Day 1
For childhood cancer awareness month I’ve decided to take a different approach.
This year I am going to show through personal examples, that I have documented on throughout the year, how a diagnosis impacts a family forever. I’m also going to look at significant events that have happened this year and how they make me think of Adam and also everyone on the cancer journey.
Hopefully I can show that once the bell is rang, the hair has grown back or in our case, how true healing was not found on earth but in heaven, affects day to day life in everything we do.
My aim is to signify how basic things we all take for granted are no more and why when someone on this journey says they are tired you begin to understand their tiredness.
I hope you enjoy the journey, as stated these are my personal thoughts and feelings and are not intended to cause discomfort or annoyance to people. They may not be relatable to all but hopefully and ultimately we raise awareness while remembering these incredible children!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 2
As last week and this week sees social media flooded with back to school pictures can we all please take a moment to remember all the children and the families affected by childhood cancer.
We are delighted to see little warriors returning to school after treatment, should this be a recent completion of treatment or years ago. It’s so special to see them returning to school year on year. A true vision of hope for others!
This is no easy task for a child to settle back into school, many suffer from separation anxiety as they have lived in one room for so long with their parents, they panic that they won’t be as clever as their friends, they worry how people will treat them and that’s only a few issues. It’s also not easy for parents either as they navigate every illness and access the risk to their vulnerable child. Parents have to decide are the bugs going round school creating too much risk for their child to be there and remove them for a period of time, however by keeping them safe your making them different and taking them away from their friends again. It’s a vicious circle!
Some children’s back to school photo would be taken at the blue doors below. A vision to everyone who has entered the children’s cancer ward! I should state that all children while on the ward are schooled by the fantastic group of teachers from the hospital school. Yes correct, whilst going through chemotherapy these children attend school lessons, a true reflection on the resilience they show.
The heartbreak this causes to each child not being able to be with their friends like normal is devastating. As a parent watching on, it’s heart breaking to see your child sick and then longing to be just like their friends.
And sadly too many families back to school photo would look like our door below with nobody to stand at it! No better visual of what childhood cancer can do to families.
A truly devastating additional reminder to each and every parent who has lost a child!!
If you have had the privilege to take the back to school photo without a second thought, please treasure it and realise how lucky you are!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 3
One of main events that comes to mind for many of us has to be storm Eowyn that occurred at the beginning of the year in January.
The first storm to ever get a red warning in Northern Ireland. It seen people with out power for up to 10 days. People worked around the clock to get electricity restored, roads cleared, broadband back up and running and these are only a few examples.
Many homes and businesses experienced damage but many people came together to get things back to normal!
This reminded me of life, the storms of life and the biggest storm to hit my life, Childhood Cancer!!
Childhood cancer is the biggest storm coming to 70 - 80 homes every year in Northern Ireland.
Just like storm Eowyn, cancer comes in to a family, causes widespread damage to those immediately effected and beyond!
Through time we can build ourselves back up just like we build back what the storm has destroyed. However what we all must we remember, we are not the exact same, in some situations we are stronger and better people but we are left with the brokenness of what the storm has destroyed and in some cases taken away!
The biggest difference and probably the most significant is, the cancer storm comes with no red warning and we cannot prepare for it in order to protect ourselves!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 4
We have all heard the term mum/dad guilt!
It’s usually something associated with working too much, going on a trip without the kids, removing a toy, raising your voice - the list goes on!
When we put that into the world of dealing with children who have cancer that guilt doesn’t go away it grows. We make our children do things and have things done to them they don’t want to do, to try and make them better. Should your little one pass away the guilt remains and can grow stronger.
The reason I’ve wrote this today is, I’ve experienced this (it’s a Monday in March), it’s relatively bright and my mind keeps bouncing back to the times Adam was here, without even trying. It’s truly like flash backs I think back to the last times I had Adam out in his wheelchair, his appearance, how he must have felt, did he want to be there, and then the guilt comes - did I make him feel vulnerable, did he really want to be there or was he pleasing me by saying he was happy to go out? By doing what I thought he would want and like, was I really making him upset and this is something I can never ask or correct!
Somedays nothing significant triggers these thoughts and they truly can’t be turned off, everything goes round and round in a vicious circle and it’s simply exhausting!!
The decisions we make live with us forever, no matter what your circumstance!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 5
Friday 21st March and it’s a very special day in Banbridge, the King and Queen are arriving!!
A day filled with excitement for residents, shop owners, performers, school children and anyone in the surrounding area. A day I know Adam Watson would have been so excited about and would have skipped from foot to foot shaking his little hands in excitement.
When I heard the rumours of who was coming I shared it with a few people I knew it would mean something to and who would be truly delighted to catch a glimpse or perhaps even shake hands with royalty!
As I arrived in town with friends and family we see familiar faces singing, quite a number of the groups selected to play for the Royals have all performed for Adam at his 24hr walk over the years. I always called Adam mummies wee prince and it seems there’s a subtle link today.
Whilst everyone is stepping forward to try and get a handshake I’m happy to stand back and just absorb the atmosphere and be happy for those around me!
The one person I truly wanted to get near royalty was mummies wee prince but that’s simply impossible. Adam loved history, loved to research the Royal Family and would truly have been in his element! As special as the day was, it was another harsh reminder on what Adams missing out on, what cancer has robbed Adam of and all the experiences we miss sharing with him - nothings the same….
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 6
It’s an ordinary day in the office in work, you know the type when you go looking for something and one thing leads to another and before you know it you end up tidying up your desk drawers.
Throughout my time in work, like any parent, I kept pictures of Adam up on my desk. Every so often I would renew these pictures and place the old ones in my drawer. Before I returned to work I asked for the current pictures to be taken down by staff and stored elsewhere, to this day they are still there. However that still left the older pictures in my drawers.
I’ve seen the little folder with them before but I’ve just left them, however today I felt like I would look through them. This does not mean that things get easier, I just wanted to be like any normal parent and look at pictures of my precious boy. They ranged from me carrying Adam in my belly (which someone took to be funny, however it’s now very precious), special photos to school pictures. My emotions go from happy to sad on repeat.
A perfect example of how trying to carry out an ordinary daily task like going to work can suddenly be taken over by emotion with no warning! It truly never ends!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 7
When we look up the word loneliness in the Oxford Dictionary we get the following definition
noun: loneliness
1. sadness because one has no friends or company."feelings of depression and loneliness"
* the fact of being without companions; solitariness."the loneliness of a sailor's life"
2. (of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation."the loneliness of the farm"
(Loneliness in a picture is the photo attached. Adam in a hospital room in Manchester where he knows nobody, he won’t be allowed to leave for at least 4-6 weeks, he only has us his parents and to see his nanny he stands at the window to wave!)
Loneliness is something all children who are diagnosed with cancer face immediately.
They are automatically hospitalised, no school, no friends, no hobbies, family visitors are very limited and the world they once knew changes over night! They go from having everyone, to only mum, dad and an extensive medical team! At the start the medical team are not viewed as friends as immediately these children need drip lines inserted, medication taken and within a day or 2 they are subjected to theatre to get a central line inserted in their chest. Extensive work is then needed by play therapists, social workers, psychologists, nurses, drs and consultants to put this little one at ease for mum and dad to see a glimmer of who they once were before this nightmare commenced!
When they get home they can’t mix with many people for the fear of infection! They are introduced back to the home they had but sadly it’s not as they remember, they aren’t leaving for school, their friends aren’t around and now mum and dad are primarily a parent but have taken on the job as friend, carer and therapist as much as humanly possible!
The children are showered with gifts from everyone it’s so kind but these children are not silly, they quickly realise they don’t want all the gifts. They want people and their time as truthfully they don’t have interest in toys like they once did as they have to play with them on their own! They want to feel like they belong and see people have time for them.
Regardless of the outcome the feeling of loneliness never leaves! It’s now simply not having people around you but you’re now back surrounded by people and feeling like you don’t belong.
Your either sitting with a group of parents and your little one is still here but truthfully it’s not as it was, your trying to navigate long term health implications, ensuring medicines are taken for life and feeling like you have been traumatised by everything you have seen and had to do, you can’t fully relax and be part of the crowd.
Or sadly your little one is no longer here and you sit in a room of people and naturally it comes round to children and families and your little one isn’t here and you feel lonely and like you no longer belong!
Cancer takes everything, gives every emotion and forever leaves a feeling of loneliness!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 8
Like any body some days you just don’t feel great and think two paracetamol will fix it, today’s the day!!
As I open the pack of tablets and place two on the bench to take with a drink I think of Adam. I think of the tablets he had to take, the process we had to go through. When he could no longer do it with water we then moved to placing some frube yogurt on a spoon then add the tablet and then another layer of frube and some how we got our rhythm and the tablets would go down. At 7 years of age Adam had to be trained to take tablets as he couldn’t physically or mentally deal with the taste of liquid meds! By the time he was 8 he was taking tablets bigger than the size of the top of my finger.
At times throughout his illness the thought of tablets threw him and I sat for hours with him pleading with him, sometimes being firm with him and trying to get him to take his tablets. He always always got there and would apologise. He seen me cry when he took them and when he struggled as I felt so bad putting him through this.
This feeling of guilt is never to far away when my mind goes back to it all!
Adam’s consultant use to tell me not to worry too much about the tablets but to me this seemed crazy! I thought if I didn’t get these tablets in then quite simply he would die and I would be to blame.
I have since realised the tablets were truly never going to be my miracle and it was more important to spend our time together!!
The most simple thing of taking a tablet can’t even be done anymore without a number of thoughts and emotions flooding to the surface.
Love
Adam’s mum
(Above is one sitting of tablets post transplant - there were multiple)
Day 9
09 . 05 . 25
The most special day of the year for our family - my brother’s wedding!!!
My brother and Adam had the most special relationship. Adam wasn’t always feeling great in hospital but if you asked was there anything he wanted he would say to see Uncle Matt and play the X-box. If we were home they made movie time and I would have the curtains closed the room dark and Adam would have the beers in (Pepsi max), they would spend time together and watch their programmes. Uncle Matt gave Adam all his time, created normality and fun - even when it was hard!
Adam knew exactly when Matt was working and always knew when he would be free to come to him, he simply hated to make anyone feel they had to do something! Unknown to Adam we all knew we were the lucky ones that Adam had selected!
While sick, Adam use to tell the nurses he was getting a new Auntie, Auntie Gabby. He would then say that’s my uncle Matts girlfriend.
I should add they were not engaged at this stage but Adam was sure she was the girl to become his Auntie. Adam clearly knew what lay ahead and Gabby was extra special and would one day be his Auntie.
Sadly Adam wasn’t here for the engagement or the wedding! A truly special day for the most selfless and special couple who deserve nothing but the best.!! Happy 4 month anniversary team McAdam!!
Even though Adam was not there, in many ways it was like he left his mark and seal of approval!
When booking their wedding venue the only date left was 09.05.25 - Adam who’s forever nine, who’s favourite number was five, it can’t be a coincidence!
Adam was missed even more that day but spoken off fondly by everyone and remembered in the speeches. Everyone there, especially Matt and Gabby knew Adam would want everyone to have the best day. I knew Adam would be so happy and proud to now officially have Uncle Matt and Auntie Gabby!!
It seemed only appropriate to get Uncle Matt and Auntie Gabby the most special present to have on their extra special day, a teddy bear made from the clothes Adam wore when he was in pictures with them, completed with his handwriting!
We tried to create a little bit of Adam as sadly cancer also robbed him off that day too!
That night Dave said to me the wee man would have some fun up dancing with everyone! My reply was do you really think so, he would be almost a teenager now and would dancing still be his thing. That’s simply how we remember Adam at previous Weddings. He was up dancing, making lists in his little book of people who were asking him for a dance, he was simply being a very handsome little gentleman.
Childhood cancer has left us with so many unknowns…
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 10
For a couple of months this year it seemed like I gained my fair share of air miles, as I hopped on and off planes to share in a few happier times!
On this occasion as I get into my seat I notice the head in front of me is a male with two double crowns and no I’m not a hairdresser!
Now many reading this will be laughing at me or will think I’m crazy, and trust me many days I believe I am.
But no, Adam had two double crowns and one day driving out in the car he shared how unique he was reading the statistic of having two double crowns.
Most people with this feature would probably say my hair doesn’t sit right but no not Adam, the forever B Positive boy was delighted with how unique this made him. Never mind for the last three years of life his hair came and went!
So this random males head has made me smile inside as I think of my special boy. I then look down at my special ring containing a lock of Adams hair and I can’t believe this is the only hair I have of his to look at, it’s beyond heart breaking!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 11
It’s August and I have already made the statement “I can’t wait to Christmas!”
To those who know us, will know we no longer ‘do’ Christmas.
Adam loved it, he didn’t think it was like Christmas in warm countries when he watched things on his iPad.
Hence we go somewhere warmer for the lead up to Christmas and the day itself.
To many, it may be running away from the situation but we remember our boy in our way without everyone else watching us!
It’s not that I actually want Christmas,as it’s another harsh reminder that Adams missing out!It’s simply I know I’m ready for the break away to warmer climates where we get a little break from this life, time for us and have nothing to do!
Each year I start making the above statement sooner! I truly believe in this journey of grief we become more and more tired. And it’s this tiredness that makes me ready to get away sooner and sooner each year!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 12
It’s an ordinary day and I’m sitting in work minding my own business working away. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone bring in a black tool box and set it on a desk. I do a double take and almost felt sick.
To most it’s a tool box and you don’t take a second thought. I was the same UNTIL Adam was medically very ill!
To anyone that knows what I am going to write next I’m so sorry that you have been in this position also. To those of you going through difficult times my intention isn’t to cause any additional worry or upset! My aim is simply to help educate people and give an insight to what families on a childhood cancer journey may HAVE TO face. They have no choice!!
When Adam was on end of life care, black boxes similar to this very one, were brought into our home by nurses. These were put out of sight so Adam would not see them or ask any questions. These boxes were padlocked and contained medication and equipment that could only be accessed by a Dr should the worst happen!!
As soon as a child passes away medical teams come straight to your house and remove these these boxes. The medication inside is of too high a risk to be left with a parent whose child has just died!!
When I say you don’t view anything the same anymore hopefully this gives a true insight to the trauma caused just to get through everyday life!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 13
One of my favourite times of the year is going away on holiday!!
Last Christmas while on holiday we done what every person does, whether they like to admit it or not, people watch!
On our time on holiday we have made some friends who we meet each year. However last year this is not what struck the biggest chord.
By the pool each morning an older man and his wife would arrive with his mother, she was a little lady, a bit like the lady you see play Rose in Titanic. The son and his wife would attend to her every need, covering the fragile skin on her legs with a towel from the sun, making sure she had her cream on, her hat on, her glasses on and assisting her to move around the hotel.
As I watched this family there was one main thing that struck me, who’s going to look after us when we are old!! At first I thought this was a little crazy but when Dave and I were talking he also made a statement which made me believe indeed I was not crazy or if I was, he was crazy too, as he to thought the same.
To some that may seem selfish, we don’t necessarily have children to look after us nor do we want to be a hindrance to our children in years to come. However there is something comforting knowing that if you have children you have someone there for you in the later years. I fully understand this post may be hard for people whose family relationships have broken down, who can’t have children or who have also lost children and I apologise!!
Adam was the kindest boy with the biggest heart. When we were unwell he made sure to get us a blanket, keep an eye on us and this happened while he battled his own illness. I know if we had of been blessed to have him in our older years he would have cared for our every need!!
Cancer has robbed us not only of our present but also our future!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 14
One of the highlights for Northern Ireland this summer has to have been the The Open Golf Tournament returning to Portrush.
Even if your no golf fan this is truly a great day out just to see everything set up and see the worlds best golfers practically on your doorstep. It’s like walking on to a tv set.
This year we went on the final day with our friends, Tim, Rachel, their son Charlie and some of their family! The weather was glorious and the place was buzzing.
This was not the first time we have been to the golf, infact the last time it was here we took Adam. That day the images of Adam were at the front of my mind regardless of everything else going on.
The imagine that stayed with me the most is the one below. It made me think of how the time has changed but so has our world. And quite simply not for the better!!
On our first experience Adam was there and on our return he wasn’t!
Time and circumstance stands still for nobody and cancer certainly doesn’t care whose time it robs!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 15
Since we lost Adam I find myself looking at the skies more often. I’m not sure if anyone else does this or if this is a common thing to do. I feel like I appreciate a beautiful sunrise and sunset more than ever, I take time to stand still and appreciate their beauty!
But in the quietness my mind instantly goes to Adam and I wonder what do the skies look like in heaven. Are the skies there even more beautiful or is what I’m looking at equally as beautiful?
I hope they are even more beautiful as Adam and all the little children that have went to heaven truly deserve the best.
These children deserve nothing but the best, a life of peace and beauty free from pain and sadness!!
We captured this beautiful sunset when in Portrush with friends this summer!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 16
It’s a beautiful summer evening and we are out and about, it would also appear the majority of Northern Ireland are also out, soaking up the good weather.
As we sit on a summer seat chatting to friends I can hear someone shout “dad, dad”.
I look to see David in the corner of my eye and he doesn’t even flinch!! And my heart feels heavy!
As a father, that’s not normal to not turn round when there are so many people about, as it becomes hard to recognise who’s voice is who’s! As a wife it’s not normal to not shout he’s looking you, would you listen! Your automatic reaction should be to turn and see if someone is calling you!
However in our case there was never ever any reason to turn and see who’s calling as the only child we ever had was taken from us by cancer!! We simply know it can’t be Adam so we sit still!!
This doesn’t mean we don’t expect people not to call their parents or people not to call their children. What I do hope it does is give an understanding as to how sad and difficult being out and about doing ordinary day life can be!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 17
This month it’s 4 years from Adam was at Daisy Lodge to launch Rory’s Miles to Mayo! When I think back to that day it fills me with so much pride. If I think to now this same thoughts also fill me with so much sadness as Adam is not here to be the vision of hope for others!
Adam made some of his happiest memories that day, he happily told everyone, “I don’t like sport but I made friends with Rory Best!” We can’t thank Rory, Jodie and the team at Cancer Fund for Children, enough for how they made Adam feel that day. He’s was so proud, he just seen Rory as a friend not a famous sports person. For an 8 year old boy 2 months home from transplant he tramped every bit of Newcastle holding a conversation on his own with Rory and anyone who joined him. It was truly something remarkable!!
This year has seen us do our own fair share of walking as we walked Newry to Manchester in Adams memory! So many people asked us before how were we going to walk so much. It was quite simple it didn’t matter how hard it was the walking was infact the easiest part. The journey we were on emotionally was and is in-fact the hardest part. To many it was simply about getting from A to B, for us it was Adams journey, a journey that we hoped would keep him here to this day but sadly it didn’t happen! Can you take a few seconds and try to imagine what it’s like retracing a loved one’s step in order to achieve life. This was a journey that we always visioned Adam would walk himself, just like he walked that day with Rory.
When we can’t walk with Adam, we walk for Adam growing his legacy and growing his charity!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 18
I make it no hidden fact that I head to the gym on a very regular basis. I go at least 3 times a week and have been from the September after I lost Adam. I never miss unless it’s closed or I’m away. If I can’t make my normal class I prioritise getting at an alternative time! For the girl who never wanted to do PE in school this is quite something! I’ve literally only exercised properly for 3 years, which isn’t long!
I want no praise for this fact, it’s simply a lifestyle choice I have made for me. Yes for me, nobody else. Am I there primarily to lose weight - NO!!
In fact this journey had been quite the opposite !!
I have watched what cancer done to my 7 year old son and ultimately taking his life when he was 9!! He had no choice in this, he was a very healthy boy up until this point!
I’m far from stupid I know going to the gym won’t stop me getting cancer or becoming very unwell!! Nothing I could have done would have stopped Adam getting leukaemia!! However it helps me with so many other things, it clears my head, makes my heart healthier, strengthens my body, gives me something else to focus on (normally to keep breathing) for a solid 30 - 45 min and trust me if you lived in my head that’s a long break!
I like to joke but really I’m serious it’s cheaper to do this than pay to see a therapist!
Cancer has taught me to look after my body however best I can as I simply only get one!! If I get older and am fortune not to be struck by ill health I want to know that I have made good choices to keep my body functioning!!
The gym is my safe place, somewhere I feel I fit in as everyone’s there to help them become a better version of themselves, everyone’s got problems and everyone forgets about them temporarily to encourage one another!
Whilst I’ve not had cancer it’s a way of showing that disease I can still live whilst it took my everything! It’s a way to prove to me I can still function after everything. I have no doubt for cancer survivors who are exercising it’s their way of silently saying I’m going to continue to beat you and show you what this body can still do!
If your going through some hard times can I suggest you try a gym or some sort of exercise. Your head and heart will thank you!!
The gym has given me the opportunity to make some really special friends!! At the end of the class we laugh and appreciate we are all feeling the same, thankful to have survived yet another conditioning class. Ultimately I’ve proved to Adam I’m trying my best because of him!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 19
Before anyone reads any further this post is not for pity it’s simply an awareness post and it’s most certainly not for compliments!!
I don’t tend to post up too many pictures anymore. However if I do post anything up, I tend to have my mask on (makeup) or I have got the professionals in to sort me out for a special occasion. Unless it’s a gym related picture as it’s ok to look rubbish there, well so I believe !
I’m by far from the prettiest person and the picture below took some courage to post. So why post it I hear you ask…
When I’m out, should that be - to work, the gym, doing the groceries, out telling Adam’s story or just out, many people say your so brave I don’t know how you do it.
Now let’s be honest I didn’t pick this path and have no choice. Dave and I are simply two parents trying to do what’s best for our child and hopefully help others along the way!
The attached picture is taken as I’m about to begin my days work in an office, these tears can happen before the gym, before going out to talk or they can just happen. They happen, I wipe them down and do my best to continue on without anyone realising. My emotions are something I normally like to keep private but I feel it’s important for people to realise it’s not as straightforward for us as people think! Perhaps sometimes by always looking like we have it all under control we are actually our own worst enemy and people assume everything’s ok.
There’s no tally chart as to who cries the most, there’s no competition to who’s day is worse, we don’t always have to look like the attached picture to be having a hard day. We are all very good of covering up what lies beneath!
It’s the same for everyone, and quite simply, be kind to eveyone as you have no idea what the mask is hiding.
I want to state again this is not a pity post but is simply to raise awareness and for people to know doing every day is hard.
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 20
Actions speak louder than words and thats truly something I have learnt on this journey!!
Take a look at the first minute of our EVERY DAY!!
Throughout Adams entire life, never once did he not get up, never once did he say he couldn’t face something. He simply overcame every single thing to get done what was needed!
As Adams parents we live by the same rule , facing every single day as we simply have no choice.
Just like Adam and all the other kids they have no choice in becoming ill and have to face so many challenges.
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 21
On the 3rd August it was Adam’s 3rd Anniversary, hundreds of people came to support us and walk a lap of Craigavon lakes. However more importantly eveyone remembered our boy and talked about how truly special he is and the impact he has had and continues to have on peoples lives!!
Many people will say my goodness three years it’s hard to believe.
In many ways it seems like a life time ago and in other ways so many things feel like they only just happened!
The obvious things are
3 birthdays missed (almost 4)
3 Christmas missed
And every single day and event in between to forever missed!!
But what others don’t think of and what hit hard this year is, Adam is gone longer than he was sick.
Adam battled that rotten disease with such strength, courage, bravery and positivity for 33 months.
Adam’s illness consumed almost a third of his life!
It seemed like such a long time in and out of hospital but now we have been without him even longer and that’s a hard pill to swallow!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 22
This year, one of the focal points for me has to be Adams Miles for Leukaemia in May. When I look back I can’t believe we walked from Newry to Manchester, I would happily do it all again, the memories, fun and friendships created and grown were priceless! Adam’s memory and legacy grew stronger and I can’t not thank the core team and everyone that supported us enough!! Thank you for allowing my idea to become a success!
To see the crowds join us and support us while we raise awareness and money of this horrible disease was so so humbling! I know Adam Watson would have been so proud to see everyone turn out for him!!
The crowds that gathered in Banbridge were truly amazing and something I couldn’t think too much about, as the last time I seen a crowd like that we were walking Adam to the grave.
Not only did people come out to meet us in Banbridge but the entire journey and that includes Manchester!!
All money raised from the walk is going to Cure Leukaemia Aticus programme. A programme dedicated to childhood Leukaemia research ,to find a better chance of survival for children like Adam. It’s quite ironic that this month is not only childhood cancer month but also Leukaemia Awareness month.
In Manchester it was lovely to catch up with Adam’s Professor, Dr Rob!! A true gentleman who I have the biggest respect for.
Dr Rob apologised that he couldn’t get Adam over the line and save him. And weirdly even tho Adam’s not here I don’t blame him or anyone. Dr Rob gave Adam the best chance and at one point when nobody else was willing to take a chance on him, he was hopeful!!
While talking to Dr Rob I plucked up the courage to ask, “if I brought Adam to you now, would he get the same treatment?” Dr Robs response was simple - No! He explained how the process would now be different, because of children like Adam they no it doesn’t always work and he’s got new methods to hopefully get better results and this is why he’s so involved in the Aticus programme.
Part of me was delighted and amazed that in the space of 4 years medicine is already advancing, however a huge part of me was heart broken even more and I couldn’t help but wonder if we were bringing Adam now could he be saved?
This is something I will never ever know and quite simply as hard as it is I have to accept that it wasn’t in Gods plan, Adam isn’t sick now he was sick then. And then he got the best treatment and care possible!!
This is by no easy journey and these thoughts and questions are on repeat…..
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 23
H A P P Y H E A V E N L Y 1 3 t h B I R T H D A Y A D A M ! !
Today our beautiful boy should be becoming a teenager!
As we can’t give anything to Adam, we are proud to give Cure Leukaemia’s ATICUS Programme, Adam’s birthday gift! We hope that more children who have been struck by leukaemia see their teenage years and beyond!!
This year Adams AML walk raised
£36, 167.01 + £4, 228.63
Giving us a grand total of
£ 4 0 , 3 9 5 . 6 4
Happy Birthday Son!!!
#forevernine
#adamsarmy
(To our eagle eyed followers you will notice that this post went up later than normal - it went up at Adam’s time of birth 13:57)
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 24
I feel like the following post has been done many times by myself before but everytime I still think it’s worthy of another post. Perhaps if we have some new followers then they won’t have realised this.
Yesterday the 23rd September was not only Adams birthday it was the day he ‘rang the bell!’ Because of Covid, Adams bell ringing got delayed so we decided to ring it on his 8th birthday. What could truly be more special to ring the bell, turn 8 and have your whole life ahead of you, just as we expect on your actual birth day! When we picked this date Adam’s specialist nurse asked me was I sure I wanted to do it then as it will always be the day he rang the bell. Adam was convinced that this is what he wanted to do and I thought yes it’s a big thing and it will be so special!
Adam rang that bell and three months later was told his disease was back. I instantly felt like a fraud, we had made a big deal of this bell ring, had videos made, celebrated with family that day and yet here we are. I felt like a fraud and I had let Adam down.
I still think back to this day but what sticks out in my head was Adam’s reaction, he made a comment that day, it was the best day of his life! Being the little deep thinker he was, I feel that statement has maybe had more than one meaning!!
I have chatted about this with a friend recently and previously with Adams specialist nurse. I explained to the nurse I felt like a fraud and she reminded me just as my friend did, you wouldn’t change it, as you gave Adam the best day of his life!
That bell in one way makes me happy to see children ring it and in other ways I wish there was no bell! Unknown to me and probably silly of me prior to this journey, I always thought that bell signified someone was back to full health, however what it actually means their treatment is finished, those are two very different scenarios.
A child finishing treatment deserves to be marked and celebrated as they have had a hard road to get to that point! However speaking from a personal experience with every child ringing that bell is a parent, or two, whose anxiety levels are going through the roof, they are painting on the brave face for their little warrior but inside they are breaking. The comfort blanket of hospital is being removed, there is less checkups to ensure them their little one is ok, there is the worry of the long term damage done on these young bodies and there is the biggest worry of all, will it come back.
Please don’t assume because your see a family ring the bell that their life is as it once was, as that could not be further from the truth!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 25
Before 2019 (the year Adam got sick) I worried about everything, Dave liked to joke and say I worried about worrying!
Did people like me
Was I good enough
Had we enough money
(Just a few examples)
However thanks to Childhood Cancer a lot of those worries literally disappeared overnight and that’s truly because they probably weren’t really a proper worry.
These worries were replaced with one true worry, was my child going to die, quickly followed by am
I going to be able to look after him and finally if work stop paying me how are we keeping a roof over our head or heat our home to make sure this wee one has the best care when he isn’t in hospital!
Worry becomes a reality and soon you realise your child’s mortality is completely out of your control but you do everything in your power to make sure the best chance is given. Whether you can parent this little one doesn’t even come into it, parenting instinct kicks and you’re suddenly learning a whole new world while trying to still make your baby happy! I truly don’t care what age someone’s child is, if they are 4 or 40 your still a parent, your thoughts and feelings do not count and you still have the privilege of being a parent you quickly realise the true blessing infront of you!
We can never have a bigger worry or problem than when your told your child’s life is in danger. This isn’t quite the same as you creating this issue in your thoughts, this is even worse, when someone looks at you and tells you your child is incredible sick or worse still, they introduce a palliative team to help you look after your kid.
Childhood cancer doesn’t have too many positives but one it does give is life perspective! You now realise it’s a blessing to get to get to work, to be annoyed about a parent’s WhatsApp group beep 50 times a day, to experience a wet or sunny day, to do house work. If we think about all the little things that happen each day we realise how blessed we are and how thankful we should be!!
I truly wish everyone could have this life perspective without having to experience the trauma of childhood cancer.
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 26
To any of you who had the privilege of knowing Adam will no how he looked after everything he owned and he didn’t like things to be messy!!
To this day I still channel that little bit of Adam and try to keep the house as clean and tidy as I can.
Nothing you done ever went unnoticed, if he had been out all day with his dad he would notice how everything was clean and tidy for his return.
He told me that he felt bad as I had to do everything, like any mother and wife sometimes we do get fed up, but truthfully I was just happy to be able to be mum! I’d happily tidy and sort every toy, clean every item of clothing and rearrange that wee room on repeat right now!
Most people know Adam passed away peacefully at home. Adam’s room holds so many memories, some that have literally destroyed part of us and others that we cherish!
After Adam died his room was left, what do you with it, what do you do with all his stuff? The bedroom door was closed and things got set into it, the room started to feel fusty and unused.
It made me sad but also cross with myself as I knew that’s not what Adam would like.
As our second Christmas without Adam approached I told my self I was going to sort his room before we went on holidays. The second Christmas came and went and the room still set. The third Christmas came and went and still it was not sorted!
However after we returned home from holidays on the third Christmas I started to sort that little room bit by bit, there is no right or wrong way to do things, I’ve had to learn that. I still don’t have it all sorted but I do have it in a better way that I don’t feel as annoyed with myself. On large the room is still the same, the same decor, the same bedding and a selection of the same toys still on display! I’ve just packed up his clothes and sorted out, everytime I look at the photos below I think back to when they were worn! I’m not at the stage to get rid of things and I don’t know if I ever will or ever have to be.
When you lose a child it goes without saying it affects the whole family. What can be forgotten is how much other things need sorted out that nobody else has to deal with, like sorting out a bedroom, closing a bank, cancelling a phone contract. And sometimes it’s not what has to be done it’s what you don’t have to do. Before Adams birthday it was us who put up the balloons and banners, the night before Christmas it was us who set out Santas presents. Just a couple of examples to show that it’s not only the significant date but what makes a significant date extra special is heartbreaking!
These things have to be done and not done for children who should have their whole life ahead of them and it’s simply just wrong!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 27
As you will see by the day we are on I have almost finished taking you on this journey!!
However the journey of grief never stops until hopefully someday we to get to heaven to be reunited with our boy!!
Many people have a perception once you get the first Christmas over with, the first birthday, the first time of back to school, you have returned to work, your back doing ‘normal’ things that your obviously coping ok and it must be getting easier.
None of my posts are to offend anyone or panic anyone but I can assure you that simply could not be further from the truth!! Every year the missing becomes more, it’s an extra year since you heard their voice, felt their touch, seen their laughs, wiped their tears and shared all those precious moments so many people take for granted. The first Christmas and birthday without Adam I had seen him that year, I knew his interests but now as a 13 year old boy I have no clue what he would have been like or interested in and in some ways it feels like I don’t know him.
Life is teaching me an awful lot very quickly and we simply need to learn that there really is no right or wrong way.
Some people find visiting a grave comforting and others find it upsetting and that’s ok do what suits you!! Truthfully I don’t really know what I think about it. I understand Adam’s in heaven so really he’s not there it’s just his earthly body. Occasionally I like to drive up to his grave and most days I just prefer to remember him as he was.
One thought I do have at the grave, and I’m not sure if it says more about me, but from the age of 35 I have looked at that grave and realised it’s not only Adam’s but ours!! How many people in their 30’s know where they’re to buried, I don’t feel that is normal! Sadly we have learnt life is cruel and we don’t know whose name is going up on that headstone next.
But what we do know is that is where and when this journey will truly end for us!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 28
Sometimes in life I’m not sure if he’s got me or I’ve got him but what I do know is we both have each other to help navigate this life childhood cancer has literally thrown at us!!
Childhood cancer has taught me a lot about myself, us as a couple and those around us!! It’s shown me who’s there, and quite simply who isn’t!
Life’s very different now and truthfully not much of it for the better but it has taught me to be thankful for little things. It’s appreciating those little things that literally get us from day to day!
Childhood cancer has the potential to take away everything. Once you know your going to lose a child your mind automatically runs to, will it take my marriage, if it takes my marriage has that the potential to take my house, not only is it my house but it’s my child’s house with all those memories! Everything truly starts to spiral but you still have to make the best of the time you have left before your child’s taken from you!!
You also still have to have some sort of life before you’re reunited with your kid! It’s a work and life balance of a different type!
I’m so thankful to have this one get me through this thing called life!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 29
I feel like I’m channeling a little bit of Adam looking up random facts. However if we look up the strongest muscle in the body we learn that it is in fact the jaw!!
Whilst I’m not arguing with this and infact my interpretation to the strongest muscle is very close to the jaw however I’m saying it’s the smile.
Surely a smile has to be thee strongest muscle and facial expression anyone can make, should they choose to!
I wish for sooo many reasons I could take each and every person reading this to a very special place called the Children’s Haematology and Oncology Clinic! Whilst to the outside world it seems like a very scary and daunting place, which it is on first admission. It’s truly a special and in its own way a beautiful place, the staff are angels, the parents champion for one another regardless of their circumstances and the children, well they are truly something else. Each child is beautiful, isn’t rude, has compassion for one another but one thing they all have in common is they all SMILE!!
As an adult reading this can you think of how remarkable that little smile is! A little body being pumped with toxins, hair loss, nausea, isolation, the list is endless but still chooses to smile!
To many it seems like there isn’t much to smile about but these kids are incredible and smile through it all! They teach every adult along the way how to smile and be strong!!
As Childhood Cancer month is almost over let’s see and remember these kids and fill the comments with all those smiling faces. Let’s show everyone how remarkable each and every fighter, survivor and angel truly are!
Once everyone sees these smiles they too will maybe think the smile is the strongest muscle!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Day 30
As childhood cancer month comes to a close for many can we please remember those that every day brings Childhood Cancer Awareness. As we not only remember all the children and their families but also the medical teams and everyone who helps to care for these incredibly brave and special children!!
Can I thank each and every one of you who have followed the posts, reached out and left comments! I know I haven’t replied to them but be sure to know it means more than you could ever imagine! I hope you enjoyed the journey as much as possible and this different angle was beneficial to you all, helping you gain a new understanding!
However most of all I want to finish these posts by dedicating them and giving the biggest and most special thank you to Adam. The one who taught me everything about childhood cancer and life! Thank you Adam for letting me have the privilege of being your mummy and helping me become the best version of me I can be!!
Adam you taught me how to be brave, to be strong and to always try and B Positive. I only wish you were here to make sure I’m doing as you wish!
I’d like to finish this month with some of our best times!! Here’s some pics of my best days with you!!
My beautiful boy, mummy’s wee prince I love you more than words can say and you are missed beyond measure!!
Love
Adam’s Mum
Childhood Cancer Awareness Month
As yet another Childhood Cancer Awareness Month closes it marks the 4th year that Sara (Adams Mum) has poured her heart into daily write-ups, sharing pieces of Adam’s journey and shining a light on the reality of childhood cancer.
As her husband, I want to say a huge thank you to her. I’ve watched the time, effort, and emotion she puts into every post, it isn’t easy to revisit those memories day after day, but she does it with love, honesty, and a determination to keep Adam’s story alive while helping other families walking the same path.
Through her words, Adam’s voice continues to reach people, raising awareness and reminding the world why change is needed. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Thanks
Dave
Adam’s Dad